Endless

The older I get, the faster time moves. Except for the last 2 1/2 weeks. Time now crawls. I'm bored and restless, but also unable to concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes. I've been reading, watching Dr. Who (halfway through season 2), watching NCIS, praying, trying to read scripture.

The first week wasn't too bad. I was doped up enough to sleep a lot. About 10 days ago, I woke up. I don't need pain medicine much anymore, which is a great thing, but I'm also awake, alert, and bored out of my skull.

I think that my favorite books, the Twilight series, have spoiled me. I can't find much else to read. Before you all gag, let me tell you why it spoiled me. I used to read mysteries, thrillers, sci-fi, historical novels, etc. Blood and gore didn't bother me. Violence could be troublesome but I could "read around" it. Romance novels never did much for me. After reading Twilight I started reading fantasy, but much of it is not well written. The novels are well written, clean, and for me they tell the stories of good vs evil, making choices, and forbidden love.

For some reason, I cannot stomach the mysteries that are out these days. I've tried the Stephanie Plum series and couldn't get through the first novel. I love Sue Grafton but she only turns out a book every couple of years. I've read the three Stiig Larrsen books already. Patricia Cornwell has become too violent. And too soupy, at the same time. I tried reading "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" but it has two no-nos: a sad little kid and 9/11. I don't like horror novels. I tend to dream whatever I'm reading about and I don't want nightmares. I'm not interested in a twenty-something angst-ridden young man or woman's journey to find themselves as they visit every Starbucks on the east coast.The Help? Read it. Loved it, except for the end.

I don't know what to read anymore!!!!!!! And I hate it because I love to read! I want to get lost in a book, I want to get so deep in that when I finish the book, I feel lost. I want to see the characters in my head as I read about them, and miss them when I'm done.

I've tried re-reading some of my old favorites. They don't hold my interest. i want to read substance but can't concentrate, probably because I'm not comfortable. I'm not in pain, I'm just not comfortable. Having to prop this leg up is a real pain, in my lower back, my right shoulder, and my neck.

Time is also endless because I'm not sleeping. I cannot sleep on my back. I never have been able to sleep on my back. My right shoulder is getting tired of my sleeping on it, but I can't sleep on my left side because the cast is on my left lower leg and I can't prop it up if I lay on my left side. To add more gunk to the murk, my CPAP issues continue. The most recent mask fits my face and doesn't leak but it has a ridiculous outflow system. All CPAP masks have an outflow system to handle the exhale, and most masks blow the air out in a straight line, either up, down, or forward. This mask blows it out in a circle, the idea being that it will be more diffuse and it won't blow on you or your partner. Not so. And when I lay on my side, it blows down into the pillow, sounding like a gale-force wind is blowing through my room. I manage to fall asleep after awhile, but by then I've tortured my neck and back, trying to find a position that will elevate my leg and keep the mask from blowing into the pillow. I tried sleeping on my back and discovered that with a measurement of 19 cms, outflow cannot be diffuse, and therefore cannot be quiet.

My doctor won't give me a sleeping pill. I have to wait for the CPAP company to visit my house and bring me more masks to try. If I sleep without it I wake up with a sore throat because my pharynx is no longer used to the effects of snoring. And I need the CPAP not so much for the snoring, but because I literally stop breathing for up to 30 seconds at a time while sleeping. I need the CPAP.

So. Not sleeping well. Not able to concentrate. Easily bored. Uncomfortable. Feeling guilty for putting my most wonderful husband through this.

Class begins again for me on January 9th and I hope that will mark a turning point. I'm also signed up to take a free internet course on Natural Language Processing, which starts a couple of weeks after that.

12 weeks of NWB should be ended by March 7th. My six weeks of enforced elevation will be done on January 25th. My medical leave is scheduled for 3 months and I have disability until mid-February. If I can manage it, I hope I can get back to work and get my brain rebooted.......